Initial D
my Dad is one of those people who advocates for the construction of racing circuit in Singapore.
he says that, even if they refuse to build a motoring track at Marina South,
they should at least close Orchard Rd and Shenton Way for 2 full days for people to do urban rally racing! then, local drivers can get to learn first hand from regional winners. he insist that racing can be a safe sport, if you've learnt to control your driving machine, and is familiar with its capabilities and limitations.
*i seriously suspect that he is a closet beng*
he participates in motorsports and loves adrenaline pumping speed exhiliating sports....
he has bike (up to class 2!), car, speed-boat and plane license. self-explanatory personality.
so why am i not surprised? his 1st car was a modified mini-cooper.
cute looking was the car but wait till you race with him... try beating its speed and maneuvering.
yah, he used to be involved in Orchard Gudang illegal racing 20 years ago...
his mini cooper was also blacklisted by the traffic police.
he says that, when 40 cars start together in a race, they rev their engines so hard and are all travelling at such high speeds that even the traffic police cannot stop them unless they want to be killed. now, he overworks his Volks by going at 120km/hr. everyday.
he refuses to be called Uncle.
so much about driving and racing, i don't have driving license! haven't even gone for theory test...
finally.... the dreadful exams are over. damn sian.
now, i can enjoy a good rest, plentiful sleep and indulge in skin care.
it's been a long time since i last pampered myself.
went down to TOPSHOP and FCUK this evening after my last paper,
so sad. nothing appealing this season. nothing to buy. oh well.
dinner with Michele was enjoyable as usual. pity that we started so late!
wanted to go drinking at 9+pm, but have no idea where's good to hang out.
so decided to go to HMV since we didn't feel like going home anytime soon.
oh! found the Zouk Rhythm 2 CD! african drum and bass. cool!
Depeche Mode also finally released its long awaited CD!
Enjoy The Silence 2004 is really solid! european trance coupled with light metallica rock. whee!
Ms E sms me this "hey girl, wanna club on thurs night?"
WHAT? am i your close friend? go clubbing with you? no thanks!
bah! told her i wasn't free, which i indeed wasn't.
wanna spend more time at home with my dearest Daddy. he's the best!
then, she sms me "hey girl, do you have winter wear? can lend me? when can pass to me?"
my winter wear are in a perfect set.
thermal wear, long sleeve tight fitting fleece pullover, woollen sweater with winderbreaker coat,
woollen scarf, leather gloves, woollen beanie cap and goat leather boots!
and that's why i won't them to her!!!
she won't drywash my winter wear for me coz that's expensive!
she won't take care of my belongings and use them with care.
and my clothes fit me. she definitely is not as thin as i am!
by the end of 3 weeks, my S-M size clothes will come back L-size.
then how i wear? duh.... ~~~
now that the holiday has finally started,
i hope that the relationship between Joshua and i would improve coz we're more relaxed.
i will love to bring back that passionate spark into our love.
appleciation
once again.... i had 1 apple with 2 slices of bread for breakfast.
there's nothing in this house except apples...
red apples.... green apples.... all nicely 6 of them sitting in my fridge.
6 tomatoes too! 3 oranges! 0 kiwis! 1 pear! 3 bunch of grapes! 1 pineapple! 1 papaya! 1 banana!
yah, i DO count my fruits =)
it's fun k!?! heehee!
i have felt this moring what it feels like to be not appreciated.
for last 2 days.... Joshua's been so busy preparing for his final exams,
that he doesn't even reply sms or anything
... ... whatever... ...
yay! going shopping with Daddy this Wed! gonna drag him to MNG, ZARA, TOPSHOP n FCUK!
now, this is what keeps me going =)
i love shopping! all girls love shopping!
nway, i need a long good peaceful sleep... thursday... leave me alone to sleep!
2 papers left to go. goodie!
thanks to Huiling and Benson, your encouragement keeps me going on!
all the best guys! see ya on Wed!
Coconut palms
this is an announcement! *waves little red flag*
who wanna go Sunset Bay? say... after Dec 7, preferably only on Sunday.
i'm going with Isaac (aka Himbo) before he goes to Sri Lanka for vacation.
we looking for friends to play beach volley, swim and kayak!
hang out at the beach, sun tan, watch the pretty people strut past... =)
ogle to cute guys ogling at preety girls. yepz, beach bum in bikini! whoopee!
throw in the ice cold alcohol! turn up the volume of the radio!
yes Michele, gorgeous Himbo will be going! so u can go drool at him. hee!
bring your blades to Sentosa lah! there're blading lanes. who knows?
maybe you'll fall into the arms of many hunky cute ang-mos when you helplessly try to brake! *grin*
try to get Pris to go also! it's been ages since our clique had a gathering... *frown*
me? i jus wanna tan and look at cute guys! and stay away from any form of balls...!!!
damn! i have this innate attraction for balls... they come hurling at me through the skies like cannon balls... by the way, often then not, they aim for my face... bah! @#$$%$%^
catching up with Isaac sounds much more do-able... been ages since we acted like crackpots...
yay! my beloved Pentax Optio S is back safely in my hands!
she's petite slim and sophisticated! very handy to slip into my evening pouch.
it's only out on the market for 9months till date! so proud of myself!
yes, i have this perversion for all material things in vogue.
with lotsa functions too! can be used as a handicam to record motion pictures and sounds etc etc!
so be prepared to see lots of digital photos of... ... ... me! *c'mon, i'm such a self-loving narcissist*
Dec 5 (or is it 5? its a saturday...)
Zouk Out! Cavey and Simon are going. Isaac is keen about it too.
me? still can't make up my mind to go or not to go... =(
don't like to be stuck in tents with deafening music, sweaty smelly people and sand particles stuck between my toes... very uncomfortable... =P
everyone abandoned me today!
my entire family went out this morning and won't be back till 9pm.
best part is, they left me sleeping in bed, without any food!
there's not even a banana at home!
no vege to cook noodles too...
bah... ended up eating 3 apples, 1 orange, 1 tomato, 1 egg and 2 slices of bread.
no wonder i am getting thinner...
it was raining so heavily, i couldn't go out to pack any food either. neh... =(
thanksgiving
Jared's doing guard duty in camp at this very moment... poor boy... *hugs*
called me this morning to moan about his start of guard duty,
he'll only be home tomorrow morning... then still have to book in tomorrow nite! *gasp*
he's thinking of getting MC so can rest at home for a day, i think it's a good idea.
he's got a sprained ankle anyway...
Jared just said something that struck my heart...
i asked if he's going to Zouk-Out next weekend.
he said it was too troublesome coz it's at Sentosa...
and he said "i want to spend more time with my family."
i was really quite surprised!
Jared never struck me as one who would want to spend more time at home with his family...
he's never mentioned about FAMILY before... alwiz talking about clubbing or something...
ever since i've known him... he's always been the carefree, individualistic, stubborn person.
who only knows how to demand from his parents, quarrels with his Mum,
throw tantrums and slams the door at his Dad...
i alwiz called him the young punk, or immatured juvenile...
perhaps really national service that made him realized his need for them,
and expressed appreciation for his family. home is where warmth and love resides.
i am very glad for him... it's thanksgiving.
his parents love him alot. so does his siblings. he's the eldest!
his younger brother is really adorable!
then again, in many ways, i am rather similar to him.
the way i took my family for granted, demanded stuff from my parents,
defied their orders, refused to do them favours and said hurtful words in their face...
maybe that's why Jared understands me coz we have the same temprement...
what i am trying to say here is, appreciate your family.
you won't know when you will lose them to some unforeseen accidents.
express your love and concern. let them know you love and need them.
be thankful for their love and attention. refrain from hurtful words and actions.
compromise and everyone will be living together harmoniously under one roof.
happy thanksgiving!
aunt agony rquired
think muz bring Joshua for relationship counselling...
i think i need counselling too.... can anyone please enlighten us?
Joshua's becoming very cranky, insecure, weird and bad-tempered... like a landmine...!!!
part of it is due to me.
i am insensitive and rather nonchalant to a large extent.
never really bothered about how my actions would affect others. never let other pple's actions bother me, aka, i dun dictate what they do or shld not do.
i don't think too much too deep into anything... so my guard's pretty low. i am not a street wise girl. thus easily cheated and betrayed.... ( 2 times of Bastard Incidents already...)
maybe i shld really be more skeptical about this society at large,
instead of alwiz having joshua worry / think on my behalf.
it's time to be responsible to myself. not let others shoulder my responsibility for me.
he is very tired. he is tired of thinking too much on my behalf.
he reads into everything i say or do. but i say things without thinking too much anyway.
just speak my mind everytime ( comes with its pros and cons... )
some people i hang out with, he doesn't approve of.
i am too exciting for him to a certain degree.
alwiz on the lookout for fun stuff to do, and never think of their implications.
one man's 'fun' is another's disapproval.
he felt that i am now very fussy, n i wasn't so in the past... ( i thought i was alwiz hard to please?)
i used to be very easy going.... (right.... it was a beautiful disguise...)
but now, i am picky with my food, places i go, and activities we do etc.
he asked why i gave Jared n Benson a much easier time?
he felt that i submitted to their wishes when i went out with them.
but with him, i am so harsh and difficult... what is the reason?!
i guess, we tend to 'bully' pple whom we are very close to?
coz we know that they would make concessions for us?
ok, i should not take people who love me for granted...
but, i was easy going with jared n benson coz they are my friends?!
even when we dated, we were FRIENDS. they are not my boyfriend!
so what? i cannot 'bully' them right!!!
that would be so unreasonable!!!
the other nite, i was lamenting that this relationship's not getting anywhere.
for that matter, it's jus getting worse. mundane and monotonous. oh so boring.
he asked, what do i plan to do? would i put in the effort to revive it? re-ignite the spark?
me being me, rationality determines me to invest my best efforts for some time to come...
say 3-4months?
if really can't help it... the relationship is still in dire state, then we should end it.
and move on in our own lvies coz it's tested and proven that it's not working!
my mentality is antithesis to his thinking...
he feels that for the better or worse, we should give our best effort and not leave each other.
i do want to be with him, i do love him a lot.
but, i am trying to seek a compromise between rationality and irrational emotions....
and bridge the distance between joshua and i.
what i feel is... i should do my best and trust God.
God only helps those who help themselves. therefore, do it well and patiently wait.
if it doesn't work out, do not hate each other. do not regret. it was good while it lasted =)
i told him to conc on his exams first, but he feels that he can't!
coz he's thinking of what stunts would i pull next on him.
he wants me to decide for myself whether i wanna stay in tis relationship in the long run...f
or the better or worse scenarios...
he wants to give up bothering excessively about me.
many times he refrains from pointing out my mistakes etc,
coz he doesn't wanna hurt my feelings and make me unhappy.
if he points out my mistakes, my wilfullness would flare up in self-defense.
i am spoilt and pampered. i want to win. i want my final say. i am used to people giving in to me...
but if he doesn't reprimand me... he also feels oppressed.
therefore, he now chooses to rather not say or think about anything.
i am very confused.
i also don't know what to do. i don't even know what to say...
he just asked me over msn... "should we break up?"
1984
my many heroes hail from the 70's - 90's. bands that made it a global hit in 1984.
exalted to the highest accomplishments in the music industry.
they were never forgotten. their music has always been remixed by various DJs.
every Wed and Fri, they're spun at Zouk. Mambo Nights and Dr. Mix @ Zouk KL.
yepz, retro hits! Alphaville, Belinda Carlise, Bananarama, Depeche Mode, Bon Jovi etc...
personalities etched into my memory, their songs played out in me, like a perfect melody.
electronica, keyboards, synthesized rhythms, floor-moving beats.
i've always appreciated German and Scandinavian alternative to the mainstream genres.
songs that sung of my aspirations and disappointments.
all in pure cynicism and rage. like cups filled with fury... flamed by the combustion of oxygen in galsoline. songs that comforted me, songs that made me dance in the alien moonlight.
Alphaville took the world by storm in 1984 with their debut album containing hits like Big In Japan, Forever Young and Sounds Like A Melody. in Dec 1986, they released Jerusalem.
FOREVER YOUNG
lyrics: Gold/music: Gold-Lloyd-Mertens
let's dance in style, lets dance for a while
heaven can wait we're only watching the skies
hoping for the best but expecting the worst
are you going to drop the bomb or not?
let us die young or let us live forever
we don't have the power but we never say never
sitting in a sandpit, life is a short trip
the music's for the sad men
can you imagine when this race is won
turn our golden faces into the sun
praising our leaders we're getting in tune
the music's played by the madmen
forever young, i want to be forever young
do you really want to live forever, forever and ever
some are like water, some are like the heat
some are a melody and some are the beat
sooner or later they all will be gone
why don't they stay young
it's so hard to get old without a cause
i don't want to perish like a fading horse
youth is like diamonds in the sun and dimonds are forever
so many adventures couldn't happen today
so many songs we forgot to play
so many dreams are swinging out of the blue
we let them come true
isn't it so sad but yet self-revelation strikes the chord of truth?
we've wasted my time with big illusions... about various countries, grandeur future, graduation...
talking to the walls but Jericho will never fall...
we've sold our trumpets long ago, exchanging all the best we had into atomic masterplans.
we read the books, we had our chance. Agent Orange scars Vietnam. Landmines in Cambodia.
politicians make me sigh, democracy is just a lie!
as long as we are rich enough each government will do for us.
the world is a cruel place. led by various politcians who engage in proxy wars.
fought on other land. all these nukes they own, for fossil fuel they raid Iraq.
MNCs and giant corporations are nothing, but a large industrialized economy, exploiting the Earth.
Ruwanda, Somalia and Ethiopia... who ever wondered where they were in this new world.
Human has became worshippers of Lucifer, each for his own.
churches how true they claim themselves to be are just plain blasphemy.
words like violence, pierce my silence. comes crashing in to my little world.
terrorism, the new catchphrase, for everything that represent threat to the US of A.
i am a angst filled youth. seeking to express my ambitious fears,
in the world that no one wants to hear.
let this island sink like Altantic.
the Father, The Son and The Holy Spirit don't deserve our votes.
can we be even considered a democratic republic? or a politcally closed society?
only Plato sees us in his dreams. Aristotle mocks at the progress of the world.
my brain is burnt, lay me in chains. i'm on my knees but Jesus doesn't hear my pleas.
i gave up on Novena prayers, fling my rosary beads into the sea!
let Virgin Mary not stop His Hand from striking planet Earth.
oh, Jared sprained his ankle!
the last time he hurt his hips, had one week MC.
this time i don't know how many days would he request. haha!
but yah, he also doesn't know why he's always getting injured.
may God bless with care and love, protect him from harm and temptations;
may the holy spirit guide his words and deeds.
Eunice is back from Perth! yay! can't wait to catch up with her!
but she's going to Bangkom with Kai for the first week of Dec...
Andy... when are you coming back as well? *wide eyed curious expression*
yepz, will send u a big prezzie together when Eun goes back k? cheerios!
miss you guys so much! the LAME Gang rules yah!
you made my TJC life a vibrant colorful one... =)
indigo journey
the indigo skies beckons my uncertainty.
fear grips my soul, for i do not know what lies ahead.
the stars fail to twinkle, resembling extinguished flames of hopes.
when would i ever see the strong white beam of light, emitted by the tall imposing lighthouse?
sailing alone on this vast ocean, when would i ever see terrestrial delight?
i yearn for the lush greeneries, mist atop the mountains.
like a veil across the Afghan beauties face, secluding her demeanour from the public's eye.
i yearn to feel the warm sand beneath my cold wet feet, to let me know that i won't be swept away.
let me feel the undulating landscape beneath my feet. the soil shifting with my every pace.
yet, i am travelling on firm secure lands, embracing 'grounded-ness'.
the ocean is silent. i only hear the waves clashing. the whisper of the winds sings my lonely song.
the icy Atlantic winds stabs my soft face like a dagger.
i yearn for someone to caress my face with his warm hands, wipe my frozen tears away.
i am waiting for a hug that lets me know that i am safe in secure arms.
that i won't need to set sail again, cutting the only rope that ties me to the harbour.
the road ahead never stops, it just leads to nowhere.
the destination is unknown. i cannot anticipate the end.
i am tired. when can i stop? where would i stop?
would a car run me down, or would i accept a hitch-hike offer?
would i only stop till my shoes and body wears out; when my kidney fails due to dehydration?
the flames of the candle has been extinguished.
the room is dark. i reach out my hand, but i cannot find my directions.
i can feel no one except emptiness that holds my hand.
what would you do, if the flame of passion has died...
would you re-ignite the feeble flame, or on the electrical lamp, signifying the end of the romance?
Daddy's Day
sigh... =(
Daddy is coming home this Friday. i am so stressed.... *sulk*
bah.... stress stress stress... miiu....
he's gonna bug me for a week again! i bet he's gonna drag me to office after Tues...!
and endure his insatiable nagging while he drives...
oh no!!! if he comes back and stays for a week, means that i can't go Zouk next Wed nite!
what the hell?!?!?! i want my Mambo! i want my Velvet!
u know something? clubbing and shopping is far more satisfying than sex.
i believe in retail therapy. sex as a form of relieving stress? nah.
Mummy is stressing me about school too... about not doing well enough academically...
and spending too much $ on clothes i don't wear.
i swear i haven't bought ANY new tops in the last 6 months!
the last time i bought new tops from FCUK was in May this year! don't wrongly accuse me!
i just wanna have a good quiet sleep!!! don't want anyone to disturb me...
i'm falling sick already... sniffing, sneezing and running nose now.
sore throat and coughing too. aka... FLU virus attack on immune system.
think i'm just gonna see a doctor soon...
don't know is it me who's weak, ot it's the central library's air that's polluted with virus.
everytime i spend a day there... i return home feeling ill...
maybe NUS should really check the central air-con system and sterilize it.
i've haven't been sleeping well lately... slept 3 hours each for the last 3 nights.
little wonder why i am falling ill. alot of things on my boggled mind...
desiring for a vacation, away from everyone and everything.
ie. take flu medicine, off phone and rest well.
need to change curtains! my white cutains are not shading the sun...!!!
time to change it back to dark dark blue... screen everything out =)
snooze
tired. tired. tired.
stressed. stressed. stressed.
expectations not mine. i'm trying my best to him happy.
motivation. thinking of him makes me smile. he is what keeps me going on.
reprimand. i deserved to be thrashed. must treat him another day.
ignorance. or is it self-denial? i don't what to say to him.
explosion
everyone scolded me today. all in a matter of 4 hours...
when it rains, it pours. no mercy. when there's a fire, it explodes into a ball of flames...!
Don scolded me for doing last minute revision and not having the recommended text.
he tested me on Khmer Rouge, Pol Pot, Vietnam and Geneva Conference.
ie various developements in mainland SEA during late 1940s-1970s n their legacies.
i couldn't answer... do you expect Don to be happy with my performance?
but i know that whatever Don says or wants me to do, or the lack of it.
it's for my own good.
more often than not, i am so blur that i don't even realize what i am doing is wrong.
Grandma scolded me. for not being hardworking enough.
always sleeping or playing console games...
otherwise, i'll be chilling at Siglap over coffee. waste of time.
Mummy scolded me for shopping or escaping to beach resorts whenever i return to Bangkok rather than learning how to write Thai or read Thai... she scolded me for being a slacker...
and not having any directions in life except to be an air stewardess... what a loser...!
even Daddy scolded me too! he normally doesn't scold me... =(
he felt that i can't express my themes properly. i cannot write convincingly.
i have no clear strong stand or opinion, i am always sitting on the fence.
and i don't read alot, so many events and significances i do not know.
everytime when he calls home, i am rushing off to the library.
he thought i went there to do further research.
now he thinks that i went to school to play with friends and sleep so can expect to fail this semester.
so... no more vacation to Hong Kong...
gonna be grounded... no more cash incentive of $650!!!
grandma is going to watch me like a hawk!!! reminds me of primary school discipline...!
i've not clubbed for 5 months... don't think they will let me go clubbing now...
my family's suddenly enlightened to what i have been doing. they assumed that i had been on the right ship, sailing along the right course. for all they knew, i've been chasing the wrong target.
though i alwiz get B or B+, it's not good enough for them.
i just want to go back Grandpa's house in Thailand to pluck coconuts and plant rice...
met Michele for dinner. so enjoyable! chat over jap meal at Paragon.
haven't done that for ages. our dinners could go on for ages.... heehee
walked down the supermarlet aisle's playing with various fruit cakes and Ben & Jerry's ice cream.
poked sashimi and fish roe *grin grin*
Marks & Spencer's pretty chocolates and biscuits in lovely tin boxes!
Christmas is coming. goodie. time to celebrate. time to buy presents. time to recieve presents.
wil plan for a Christmas gathering so cheer up people!
i am materialistic *so proud of it*
Christmas is not a time to share, love, hope, care or do charity etc etc. what bullshit..!
Christmas is time to spend spend spend. $$$$. hear the ker-ching of the cash register???
the sweetest sound.
if wanna go charitable deeds, share love, joy, hope and warmth with people around you...?
then do it everyday of the year. not once a year and for just one day! such hypocrisy...
similarly, if you're a Christian, then go to church every week to attend sermons.
read the scriptures. apply them to your daily life. ask God for guidance in all decisions.
don't be a nominal Christian. don't question why you have to go to church. humble yourself more.
reluctant to attend service coz you don't like people at your church?
then change and find a suitable congregation.
i've found mine =) i like my catholic church. the Holy Trinity. and OLPS.
thank you Gabriel, Jeremy, Ian, Eunice, Jared, Andy, Zhuo Min, Carol, Angela and Auntie Susan.
thank you for being my spiritual support network. showering me with love and anchoring my faith.
May we hold on and encourage each other to grow Christ-like.
let us not lost any hope or trust in Our Lord.
the piece of purple flower motif top i want from MNG is gone... GONE!!! *horror*
i am so sad... i wanted that top so much... waited so long and finally decided to buy it after 3 months... only to find out that the season is over! boohoohoo!
now it's full of earth tone tweeds, wool and curdoroy... nothing sexy and sleek..! *frown*
never mind... Jared getting his leave in Dec. goodie! finally can go shopping! *brims with joy*
i tried the new Women's Ranch Style Jeans @ Levis. $159.00.
but i am going to buy it! so sleek and sexy! feels very comfortable too... can jump around!
but everything would depend on Jared's approval.
his fashion sense is rather keen and sharp =)
so i won't buy the wrong clothes, then go home and start to regret... (the usual case that is)
don't know what's wrong with Joshua today. should be suffering from PMS...
kinda pissed for God-knows-what-reason. don't really wanna talk to me.
whatever lah... i don't want to firgure out. not coz i don't bother, but i don't think there's a need to.
he also admitted that he's in bad mood. oh well.... *pat pat on Doggie's head*
Michele darling! so when are you getting attached to Jon? *wink wink*
still "non-committed" to time infinity, no? i think it's a good idea too.
whatever it is, i'm supporting your decision. no rush to get attached =)
don't get invloved with someone, commit to a relationship and end up regretting...
then live in dilemma. rather psychologically unhealthy that way.
let God work miracles in His time. we do not dictate what God bestows or when He should.
i believe that as long as you remain hopeful, stay just as sweet as you are now,
God would shower you with rich blessings at the end. *hugs*
aeroplane
quite a lousy start to my day.
the paper of course was tough. couldn't expect less.
wanted to meet Lin Chang for a swim, but he didn't on phone.
so didn't get to chat with him or see his nice nice room at SH...
supposed to meet Michele for coffee but realized i didn't bring EZ Link card or money!
left my wallet at home =) brilliant me. alwiz so forgetful.
end up had to look for Joshua and disturb his maths revision. felt so bad.
everytime must drag him along to do thingd with me. i am so helpless!
supposed to meet Jared for drinks after 8.30pm.
but that punk had something on so flew my aeroplane again.
lonely at home now. all alone.... don't like to be alone!
resonance
now i know how Jing Yu feels.... having Ms E being that eerie resonance in his head.
Don is becoming my recurring nightmare!!!
he's popping ever so frequently in my dreams... scolding me!!!!
but i am lucky that Don doesn't pop out in reality, within 10m of my existence.
unlike poor Jing Yu, always running into Ms E straight in her big boobs.
Jing Yu, be thankful it ain't any hard grey wall k?
it's just 2 soft boobs stuck on a blob with a constipated face... beware of fat piggy.
hey! i am not so sweet to give her such a cute nick! she calls herself fat piggy... lalala~~~
dreamt of Don popping out last nite asking how was my exams... what a horror!
and talking about his new girlfriend. aiyah... i just dread seeing him in Dec. hahah!
ok ok, Don seems to be the transformation of my conscious biting me with vengence... =P
guilty as charged for being lazy. (veen go sits in jail n draw pink kitty doodles on her cell wall)
yay! 1st paper tomorrow, wish me luck and pray for me k?
may God favour me and bless me with wisdom.
i dislike MP. did i mention that??? =/
Daddy agreed to let me go Hong Kong tis Dec! whee!
but i'm not really happy... =(
Daddy don't want go with me. Joshua not interested in going.
Benson would be there from 27 Dec - 9 Jan with his friend, and they are sharing one apartment.
that means that i have nowhere to stay and no one to stay with!!!
HK's accomodation is expensive. $179 / nite at Langham Place Hotel.
YMCA fully booked. damn! so... all in all, air tickets and 3 nites hotel n food will come up to $650.
wow! expensive! i have better uses for $650+++...
nway, tt RJC softball Clarence nominated himself to go HK with me.
he was saying that we could share a room / same bed together and go clubbing...
he never asked whether that idea appealed to me.
hey dude! i am attached! i told him i was attached to Joshua since time immemorial....
they were fellow Rafflesians of the same year! and i am not keen to go HK with Clarence!
see him at Zouk i already wanna run away and disappear onto the dance floor...
what's more going on a vacation with him! think i will just be so disgusted that i board the next flight home... look at his face and him.... spare me from that misery!!! *cough cough*
u know what? i think that Clarence and Ms E makes a good match! Josh, what say you?
*snigger snigger*
Clarence is one of those dense people who don't understand what does being attached means...
he assumes that i would go have fun with him while abandoning my rolly-polly doggie...
i will entertain flings, only when i am single.
but being in a relationship means that i am committed to one guy... just one.
by the way, even if i wanna fling, also won't find Clarence! not my type... =P
sharing a bed with him! no way!
who won the Singapore Idol? or results not released as yet? *rolls eyes*
i like Olinda and Taufik! no no.... not that ah-beng Jay Chou wannabe Sylvester...!
but i admit that Sylvester is so darn cute and good looking! that cool boyish look... *gush gush*
his attitude reminds me of baby Jared... that boy's being confined this weekend. *evil laughter*
that punk offended some big fuck. (but how big is that fuck? he got such long dick meh?)
nway still bigger than him/his. he is afterall, Recruit Tan... faster promote lah boy!
mentor
Don scolded me jus now..... it's been 3 years and he stil does it....
asked if i am very familiar with my modules, and the nuts and bolts of the subject.
asked me why i haven't been doing well since i've attended lessons and did my readings.
"what have i not been doing???" was his question.
i don't know. i haven't thought about it.
in MP's case, i'll say that i've haven't been writing clearly and that irritates time.
next time will try to write in accordance to issues. offer 2 contrasting approaches regarding the same theme. what are the 2 perspectives, in what ways are they similar, in what ways are they different. what is lacking from both essays etc. pardon me for my grammatical errors.
about Matrii, i have no comments. really confuses me... too tired to review on this sem's performance at this very moment.
now think about it also too late... Don... exams starts Sat. what can i do now?
he suggest that i should not take any more history modules before i jus kill myself...
obviously, i'm not cut for it. then who is may i ask?
if i don't try, i don't know. since i am here, i just have to try my best.
and if i don't do history... what else can i study? nothing else really appeals to me.
don't make me go there...
well, i do enjoy sociology just as much. maybe will just do sociology as a shared major.
honours or not, doesn't really matter to me. don't wanna force myself to endure long term sufferings and emotional stress which are excessive and unneccessary.
ok, enough senseless rants about school. i hate school really. so sick and tired of it.
everytime i step into class, i just feel like sleeping... i don't know why.....
just gonna finish 3 years and grad. 3 semesters to go! yay! so gonna grad in 2006 july!!!
then apply for my dream job and take to the blue skies! globe-jetter, trend-setter!
the future is not determined by that piece of honours degree. right Michele? ;)
neither am i aiming to be an academic. too boring for me.
after flying for a few good years, settle down and get married to some established guy.
though i love luxuries and comforts, i don't think i would marry for money... $$$$$
just want to be the loving supportive wife behind that ambitious man.
add in 2 cute healthy kids. 1 fluffy pet. 1 house. 1 car. 11 cards with unlimited credit!
(if possible that is. i am not a big fan of marriages to begin with... i dislike kids!)
alternatively, work for my Dad... in China... =/
do what? not sure. just be there to entertain my old man... hugs and kisses!
me and Dad. good combo. love that old man lots! he's the most important one in my life!
or pool some money with a few good friends and open small cafe =)
and live happily ever after with dear Michele, her scottish terrier, and my rag-doll cat.
2 old frumps on rocking chair, playing Scrabble, sipping hot chocolates by the fire in our apt.
with a cat and a dog on their laps. happy and contented.
UBC
Ms E applying for SEP(student exhange program) to UBC (Uni of British Columbia), Canada.
i initially thought of going there too.... during year 3, sem 1.
but i don't want to fly across the Pacific only to see that familiar irritance... the fat bitch!
man.... imagining running across half the globe only to end up her room-mate / fellow Hist. student..
i must be damn unlucky!
she's applying for scholarship to go there. hah, wonder if she would even get it... =P
Ms E: hey, apply for UBC also leh. then we both can take care of each other.
Ms V: ohh... ok, see how (i must be an idiot to wanna go with you. so suay!)
Ms E: canada good what. is in Vancouver. got chinese food and chinese community.
can go skiing and climb mountains and see lakes too. scenery very nice.
Ms V: ....... (right, climb mountains and get lost and chased by bears. ski and fall down...)
Ms E: oh, i saw your essay! the one for MP's class. guess what u got?
Ms V: C.
Ms E: how you know? you got a C. hahahah. but how come? he gives no one A or even A-.
i looked through all the scripts. there's even a D!
Ms V: so? it's known fact that MP gives highest A-. what u expect?
Ms E: wah lau! why he so like that? (goes on asking about my grades and comparing her grade to mine. she got an A- for Gregorian's European Hist. assignment but big fuck so what!)
fuck you lah! MP is the lecturer that's why he can give less than A-! u are his bloody student!
nway, you are not in MP's class also, aka you are not taking HY 3237!
so why the fuck are you flipping through my class's grades and scripts?!
do you even know the meaning of privacy and intellectual integrity???
fucking bitches like you have no right to comment on people's grades or essays coz you only know how to violate copyright laws!
and stop telling me about the god-damn bastard aka ur good-ol Edmund brother!
fuck the both of you! i don't care and i don't want to know!
so stop poking your fat nose into my business!
whatever happened between me and him is the past. it's over!
whatever money he owes me also not your problem! it's mine! so fuck off!
stop asking abotu my personal life! if you bother so much about Edmund, then go find him!
i am leading a new life so get lost about him! and you can jolly well disappear too!
take tis Bitch, you just don't know when to shut up! little wonder why you have no friends!
much less a boyfriend... or even a miserly suitor... you don't even know what the right things to say!
and stop poking your nose into other people's grades and answer scripts! bitch!
i wonder if your boobs are too big that you substituted your brains for them.
even if you had brains, they're probably pea sized. ok, give u more credit. as big as your nipples...
you going India in Dec right? good luck to those poor Indian males...
you'll probably rape them... coz no chinese or ang-mos wanna screw you...
even if they're in a drunken stupor, they're also conscious of your disturbing presence..!
humble grumble
i want to attend the Suntec Motorshow...
would be quite an eye-opener. though have no money to buy the sleek plates of polished metal...
it's nice to take a look! jus for the fun of it.
but nobody wants to go with me...
i can't find Priscila, Michele went on Sunday, Elaine not interested.
i want to go shopping. maybe not shopping per se, but go down Orchard.
go Borders or something. flip through some magazines to relax. walk walk see see.
take a look at pretty clothes at ZARA and decide what i can buy soon.
breathe some urban polluted air and see people pass me by. buy a drink at the side-walk cafe.
but no one is free to go with me. michele have one more paper. elaine also exams.
why everyone ask me to go shopping or see motorshow with joshua???
or go shopping with joshua???
i have my own life. i am an individual.
why must i do things with him? i have my own social circle, my own interests...
i don't want to lose my own privacy and freedom.
why do school mates and friends ask about him whenever they see me?
we are not a joint-unit. we are two seperate entities...
i feel hurt when people keep associating me with him...
they seem to forget that i am Veen.
=i am who i am=
some school mates say that we tend to appear together. when you see one, you see the other.
i think that is damn sad. i am losing my uniqueness.
yesterday i was swimming alone, it feels good. to be alone. for once.
everyone need time and space alone to pursue their own interests, sort out their personal thoughts, and be with themselves. that is my belief.
funny how it seems.... i see him when i go to school.
i see him during class breaks. i see him after school.
i only see him. even when i study, i also see him.
i am suffering from an overdose of joshua. it gets to me. it stiffles me.
i am losing my identity...
i do miss Joshua. i do think of him. i do need him.
but i am trying hard to seek a balance between myself and the relationship.
i am getting lost within this dark process. i feel lonely. i am scared. i don't know what lies ahead.
Father, hear my prayer. please walk into my life, shine a light on me.
Lord, you are my shepherd, i am your sheep.
hold my hand, i place my trust in you. please lead my way in this dark narrow valley.
may i not get lost in this chaotic world. may i be blessed with wisdom for choices.
my Christ live in me, so i speak of His words and do His deeds.
may my relationship blossom and flourish, with God in the focus. Amen.
i don't know.... but i am getting disillusioned.
about everything. about school. about life. about relationships.
i am expended. i don't want to push myself anymore... i am breaking down.
seek help and receive help. i called out but i only heard my own echoes...
i haven't taken the time out to enjoy things i do.
like swimming, clubbing, read a novel, doddling, visiting the museums for ages.
it's been ages since i took a walk by the beach or even Esplanade water-front.
i am losing my 'self'.
i was supposed to meet Joshua tis evening but by the time he called me, it was too late.
i couldn't go out coz i was supposed to be revising my work already.
he wants to meet me for brunch tomorrow, grandma is not cooking lunch too.
but i am not keen.
everytime he dates me out for brunch, he won't be up early enough to meet me at 11.
by the time he rolls out of bed, his mum is out buying lunch for him.
otherwise, he would only be able to meet me after 12noon.
sorry but i have other matters to attend to. i cannot revolve my time around him.
am i being too selfish? too self centered? maybe.
i just want to go away for some time and think things out.
i feel that the relationship is going nowhere. it has kinda drifted and deteriorated.
the honeymoon period is over, but i don't mind that.
i'm once again having problems with myself. i am unclear of what i want/need.
i am sure we can tide through this rough patch, but give me time and space.
i am dropping a no-confidence vote.
